The Dirtiest Word

Lately, there has been a lot of press about slut-shaming, and the judgement passed on people (mostly women) as a result of their sexualities and sexual lifestyle choices. The slutwalk phenomenon was started by feminist groups to raise awareness of the fact that it is the female victims who are more often blamed for sexual abuse and assault for wearing short, tight, revealing, 'slutty' clothes, rather than the attacker and rapist. Which is obviously ludicrous - if a crime is committed, you blame the culprit. For example, you don't blame the design of the iPod when it gets stolen, you blame the thief. This seems so obvious to me that I'm wondering why it's even an issue.

But that's not why I'm writing today.

I'm actually writing about virginity.

As a result of this 21st century brand of feminism that has really come about as a result of the old-world views clashing with new-world thought processes and understandings and fuelled no end by social media, the Toronto Slutwalk was initiated. On their website, they wrote about reclaiming the term "slut", saying:

Historically, the term ‘slut’ has carried a predominantly negative connotation. Aimed at those who are sexually promiscuous, be it for work or pleasure, it has primarily been women who have suffered under the burden of this label. And whether dished out as a serious indictment of one’s character or merely as a flippant insult, the intent behind the word is always to wound, so we’re taking it back. “Slut” is being re-appropriated.


The re-appropriation of insults is nothing new - as seen by the word "gay" being reclaimed by homosexual groups in the late 20th century, and a certain word used to refer to African Americans and People of Colour, that rimes with "bigger" and now appears in popular music, rapped by Kanye West et al. "Slut" is a good one to reclaim as well, because it is so well-known, is a verb and an adjective as well as a noun. The moral of this is that it's OK to dress provocatively because sexual assault is never the fault of the victim. Which I agree with wholeheartedly. As well as this, no one (and I am intentionally not referring to women only, which is something that I will elaborate on another time) should be judged on their sexual habits or lifestyle choices. If you choose and willingly consent to have sex with a bunch of different people, all the more power to you. It's no one else's place to judge you for that... and really, I don't see why it's anyone else's business. So claim the word slut, be sexually liberated, and don't feel condemned.

The message that I keep on finding in this conversation is that it's fine, good, accepted to be sexually active.

But what if you're not?

It seems to me, that there is this horrific double standard going on and no one even pays attention. The 'V' word has become the dirtiest word in the English language.

In 2002, Better Health Victoria did a survey that indicated the sexual activity of teenagers in Years 10 to 12, and which said that by the end of High School, more than half of students have had sex. They talk about it, they know the risks and they choose to make that decision. Within the first couple of years after finishing school, the percentage of people who have had sex skyrockets, so by the time they turn 20, the majority of people have had at least one sexual partner... and the people who haven't had any, aren't really talked about.

Virginity is not talked about. It's presumed that most people aren't virgins after they turn 20, and if they are, then it's a definite choice they have made - usually for religious or cultural reasons. It's assumed that they're "saving themselves" for marriage, engagement, or at least a long-term relationship. These assumptions are made, without the person in question ever being asked. And for some reason, it's never OK to pass judgement on someone for the clothes they wear or how many people they've slept with, but it is absolutely fine to make assumptions when someone reveals that they haven't slept with anyone, ever. And this is shown in pop culture, too.

If people are virgins for religious, cultural or moral reasons, that's great, and I really admire the strength of conviction that some people have. But for others, it's not so welcome, and becomes a major secret - I have heard of people feeling like they have a big "V" branded on their forehead, when no one else should ever even care. It's the Closet of the 21st century - in a world where sexuality is seen in everything from movies aimed at teens to prime-time advertising, it becomes a much bigger issue than it needs to be. While the "SlutWalk" occurred to prove a point, there would never be anything like that for people who are virgins by choice or because it's just the way it happened because it's so secretive. When thinking of virginity, words like "pure", "clean" and "gift" are thrown around, which is plainly bullshit leftover from an older society. We have moved on, but that means that some things have been left behind.

In the TV show Community, Alison Brie's character Annie reveals that she's a virgin in the first season - and Yvette Nicole Brown's character Shirley refers to her as a 'unicorn'. In the 1995 movie Clueless, Tai calls Cher a "jealous virgin". And Lena Dunham's show Girls, Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) reveals that she is a virgin in the second episode, and is incredibly embarrassed by it - so it's a major plot point when (spoilers) she has sex in the season finale. Is this seriously how we view virginity? As something to be embarrassed of and derided for? And if it's not a source of negativity, it's just not spoken of at all. There is a massive taboo that exists around the entire idea, and I just don't understand why.

When someone who's in their 20s reveals that they are a virgin, the main reaction - other than surprise - is to ask 'why'. As if there has to be a concrete reason. For some people, it just doesn't happen. Has anyone seen the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin? In that, when asked the question, he says "I don't know... it just never happened.", which is then followed by a montage of scenes where he was obviously so close, but never got there. He is so embarrassed by it that he stops hanging out with people outside of his work and his elderly neighbours.

I just don't understand why it's an issue. Why it's assumed that it's a choice made for whatever reason - and I feel that women have the weight of history here, with the concept of "saving yourself"; for guys it seems to be much more of an embarrassment than a choice. Why is it OK to ask "why" someone is a virgin, but not OK to ask "why" someone isn't. Why no one talks about it, and virgins in their 20s who aren't necessarily waiting for anything feel like it has to be a secret.

Virginity and sexuality are not commodities. The 'V' word shouldn't be shunned, because if it's horrific to shame people for their choices to have sex and dress in a sexual manner, then it's just as bad to have people feel shamed and embarrassed for not having sex or dressing in that way. Let's reclaim Virginity in the same way that we're reclaiming Slut. Because they're both big issues, so neither should be ignored in favour of the other.